…conflicted

103_4521_2

This last week in China I (Tracy) have found myself feeling a bit schizophrenic at times.  Just thinking about it makes me stumble and pause, conflicted.  Knowing one day I will try and explain the experience to our newest family addition….Meili.  As Steve & I have walked the streets of China, I find myself looking into all the faces and wondering what story they have to tell.  My thoughts have gone back many times to Meili’s orphanage director.  Steve asked him the ratio of boys to girls in the orphanage?  Through translation…he said “mostly girls, some boys, all special needs”.  Steve then asked him why do you think that is….mostly girls? (Yes…my husband does have nerve!) Again translated…. “in China you know, we love boy first, then girl, then special needs”……I could only imagine what our faces looked liked at that moment…mine felt numb.  We already knew this but to hear it said out-loud and delivered with a smile…as though he said “I like the color of your shirt”.  Unable to process his words, I closed my eyes and lowered my head…giving Meili a small kiss.  I’m sure a silent prayer escaped me as Steve didn’t throw a chair or his shoe across the room.  I heard him swallow and say “O.K.”  I’m sure that’s all he could process out.

Being a strong-willed GIRL myself, these moments make me think about the 19th Amendment…and how women fought so hard for women to “count”.  Many American-born girls take for granted.  It only takes a short moment in China to appreciate these small gifts.  I’ll admit that I’m a big eye-roller and have always looked at “rules” more as suggestions or guidelines :) It’s not that I think I can do it better or know what’s best…it’s just I have I deep root to know why?  So, I ask many questions and wonder a lot.  I know there are little girls wondering these streets asking the same questions…it must be like walking the Great Wall for them.  Funny enough…the women here in China are not weak or less…they are strong.  And I’m pretty sure Meili has their spirit…I’ve seen it.  I’m proud to be part of her little life and soon we will step onto American ground….she will become an American citizen!!!  NO conflict there….that’s just awesome!!!